What Polyamory Has Taught Me About Fake Friendships
I'm still learning about life, and there are two things I'm continuously trying to improve about myself. I need to trust my intuition about nearly everything. But when I mistakenly ignore my intuition, I must forgive myself, especially during the pandemic, when reality sometimes feels lonely and impossible to escape.
A year ago, I met someone who seemed nice, but I was skeptical about getting emotionally involved with them because there were so many red flags. We had fun times painting, carving jack-o' lanterns, playing games, having good conversations, and hanging out with a fun mutual group of friends. However, I also felt, at times, this person was overly critical — of my house, lifestyle, art, and activities which were all direct reflections of my soul. But there was a time we felt close emotionally, but I was never physically attracted to this person. But the other person was obsessed with labels and wanted to call me "girlfriend." I declined that label for the longest time because I wasn't feeling the physical attraction, but I eventually accepted after their incessant prodding. I made a huge mistake. I never wanted this stupid label because it meant a lot to them.
I'm not fond of labels, and my heart was never there. But here is another situation where I didn't trust my intuition, gave things a "try," and did the best I could. I chatted with them on video but have not received messages back. I came to their home, office, or wherever to say hi. When I poured out my soul about some of my sorrow, I got a hug and sometimes words of wisdom. But there were other times I wanted to chat about other struggles specific to polyamorous/long-distance dating, and this partner said, "Well, what about me? You don't do that with me either." Opening up about my life came with judgment or a price, or this person turned the conversation around to scold me about how I treated them. I found myself sharing less and less with them, and I was afraid I would only receive more judgment if I shared my soul.
I have a lot of other things going on in my life right now; my boss is battling a terminal disease, the current leadership at work is flailing without his guidance, and I started to work other seasonal jobs for Halloween and winter. I'm on my own, trying to take care of the other mundane, daily tasks…
